I can’t decide whether I’m doing the right thing or the wrong thing. I’m almost certain that it’s the right thing for me, but why does this feel so wrong? Why does this hurt so much?

I’ve known her for years, for fucks sake, I love her; and I’m crying now, because I’m so confused. I miss her. I think I need her, but she has different needs, and she needs other people. She has no use for me anymore.

I keep telling myself that I didn’t make a difference in her life and I think it’s true. She’s never really needed me. Everybody has always seen her as the shy, quiet, insecure one. But all along it’s been me.

She’s moved on; she’s mixed with another crowd. She doesn’t have time for me. I’m not as cool. But define cool? I’m not her type of cool. She says that I don’t understand the hurt she’s going through. I wish she’d realise that I do. I just look at it more logically and more calmly. I’ve got stuff going on in my life too. Everything’s been shit without her. Absolutely shit.

I think jealousy has taken over. I think that’s why I exploded, a combination of both violent jealousy and self righteousness. For fuck sakes. I care too much – but she doesn’t need me. She has other people. She loves them. Loves them more than me. I think I wanted all her love, because I loved her so much.

I’ve got family breathing down my neck, do this, and say that, this is wrong, that’s not. They’re scum, losers. All of them. You don’t need them. They need you. You’re better than this. Everything will change when you go to College. Everything. What will fucking change?

Confused. Confused. Confused. But its okay, she’s said it herself. She loves other people. They understand her better. She understands them better. There’s a meaningful connection. I thought we had one though. I guess she didn’t see it as that. Guess I was just somebody to take her mind off things, a good listener perhaps.

Just because I didn’t self inflict. Just because I stayed stable. I’ve lost her. I love her so much and I care for her so much and she’s gone. My best friend is gone.

I still wear the band she got me a year a go everyday. I still keep the friendship stone she gave me all them years a go with me. I took it in with me when I did my scholarship exam today.

I can’t stop crying.

I love her so much.

Nobody can ever understand how much – I didn’t even until right now.